Yoga Teachers with bellies and other impermissible things

To those who know me, it is clear that I am thin. “Too thin,” I have been told. Well, it’s been said that opinions are like noses… everyone has one.  But what is true is that when I eat a large meal, and I frequently do… you can see the expansion of my belly.  It gives my body a strange misshapen form.

 I am frequently ashamed of how much I eat.  I have always been a kind of binge eater, a great lover of feeling full to the brim. I think I eat so much so I don’t feel empty, lonely, hollow.  Well, I am ashamed, I am ashamed of eating a head of cauliflower, a head of broccoli, 2 bouquets of kale, a head of bok choy, 2 cucumbers, 2 bundles of celery, and 3 bell peppers in one sitting.  I am ashamed of my need to feel full, of my fear of feeling empty and lonely.  I am ashamed of being human and vulnerable. 

And then when I do eat so much, my belly bulges terribly. And then I can’t hide my shame. Everyone sees. And I try to cover it up with bigger shirts and cute yoga teacher scarves… but I am sure I can’t hide my brokenness. I am sure all eyes are staring at my protruding belly and judging. What can I say?  I am human.

I don’t know if I am right or wrong, I don’t know if I am whole or broken, I don’t know if I actually look as terrible as I feel I do, or if it is entirely in my mind.  What I do know is, protruding belly or no, packed full of veggies, or hollow as an empty waste bucket, I need to be loved.  I just need to be loved. However I am.