i hope you feel my love..

The kindest decision I ever made for myself was to stop keeping track of all I had lost. The choice was made mostly for the efficacy of the matter. I mean, who had the time and the commitment, and how exactly does one measure the lack, the empty spaces, that imprint in that heart and demonstrate in the world as the space between a reaching hand and an unreachable thing? And the cruelest choice I keep making is to lose track of all of the love I have in my life and all the kindness offered to me endlessly. I guess this is whatever amounts to the winnings in life? And I could say it is not accounted for, or kept track of due to the same strain of laziness that lets the other end fall to the wayside, but the truth is, i have no idea how to say thank you. I have neither the measuring tool to account for the love and kindness, nor the language of gratitude for properly meeting it, nor true understanding of why it should be offered to me, personally. And therein lies the confusion-- It is not personal. None of this is personal! If I can clarify anything for you beautiful soul of mine, within, and without of me, it is that none of this is personal. We are bits of ourselves, loving ourselves in the form of others. Let it be as personal as that. So let you thank you and let you forgive you, and let the accountants only mind the accounts. Your precious heart was not made for accounting. Only for finding and growing in and out of itself and loving onward, forever and ever. Amen.
And if it matters at all to you, my precious capitalist friend, I have the suspicion, if we had kept track, we would be immensely ahead in our winnings. Because I know confidently that in the end, we will rest comfortably and assuredly in loving arms.

on my own...

Oh hey, anyone up for remaking their core wounds voluntarily in the context of the dating scene? Abandonment, codependency, fears of inadequacy, power struggles, trust issues, insecurity of all kinds? No? Right! Because it sucks. So I'm on my own again in the eternal ouroboric love affair of my mythical divine nature, loving, nurturing, forgiving my precious fumbling well intended and endearingly delusional human self. Sacred unhinged miraculous jaw to snake ass, may I find satiation in my hunger for what ever it is I am craving, that brought me and brings me endlessly to the meeting points of existence and makes me choose life again and again with the longing for more.

you rock

Right now, it feels like this. What "it" is and what "this" is remains unclear and unknown. But what is known about both is that both are shifting constantly so as to make them both eternally elusive to any sort of actual reason or measurable comprehension but somehow my very Identity, my construction of coherent selfhood as a consistent being depends on the momentary shifting elusive inconsistent reality of both. How we exist even a moment without being in awe of ourselves is beyond me. In brief, you rock.

Good morning

Let's do it new now, like it's never been done, never exactly like this before. Let's do this day honestly, Like we don't know how it goes, because honestly we don't and we never did. We just forget that fact because it's too scary to remember. So it starts like this, we open our eyes and we pretend to see things and then all the little things become clearer and clearer and little by little as we notice all the in between and in between in betweens and the creases of faces smiling and the birds tuck-tuck-tuck in wingfolds we fall in love with the thing and we love and love, and breathe, don't forget to remember that you are constantly breathing and we love and breathe and love and breathe our way back to right here together and pretend that we knew how we got here or how any of that was done when it was all and always a crazy mystery that keeps happening and we ourselves, a miracle.

I love

I promise to go only willingly and not dutifully to the things I love with love. I love respectfully and honestly, trying only to wipe the dirt from my eyes to see clearer and clearer what is before me. I love not Purposefully or with some plan in mind. I never knew pottery or sculpting and you are not my clay, I am not your God, or your mother to raise, or shape you in anyway.
I know I want to love the way the sun loves; the way it shines on everything equally so that everything can be seen fully for all that it is without apology for what it is, knowing that what it is, is enough if only it would be seen fully brightly with as many eyes as it could. For all I love , I wish you the brightest light to be seen in all of your truth by as many eyes that can truly see and understand the beauty of what you contain within and glowing with out of your skin.

But most I hope you do not blind yourself by your own light, and in those momentary splotches of pure black that come with that blindness of a light so bright that your eyes cannot attune, you mistake yourself
For nothing. In truth you were more than even you could perceive in the moment. Trust me, I know. I know your magnificence, and even I don't know how much. Because you have yet to fully reveal yourself. But even so, of what I know i've become a great great believer in the light. And for that I'm grateful I'm grateful I'm grateful

Dance like...

Dance like you're pretending that you don't see anyone watching, but you know they're watching, oh... don't you worry, they're watching, so you better d.d.d.rop it. ;) or dance like everyone else is dance so I guess I should dance, or like wobble, or what ever. Because I just kind of want to feel a part of something. Or dance like, no one's dancing, This is a supermarket/clothing store but I love this song, so I'm totally going to dance- yep it's happening, it's happening right the f now.

Love like "you better love me back this way because I deserve this, and let me show you how well I deserve to be loved" then love so damn hard that your heart feels like it has a heart within itself loving itself. Yeah love deep and weird like that. love so hard that it's weird. :) love so hard that you start loving yourself more for how much you love. Like damn you're so damn lovable for your loving and start loving you for your own loving.
Love like- why the hell not? Is this life better lonely?
Sing like you don't actually think you're freaking amazing singing that particular song.
Sing like- I like it- I like it even if it's a terrible ungodly sound. sing like the more ungodly it is, the more you find it amusing, and laugh your butt off. And let everyone else laugh too. The older I get the more I realize the transformational, healing magic in anything that makes me laugh. So make me laugh with whatever ungodly sound you make. And if you're blessed heal me with whatever beautiful sound you make. But good God give me song.
And live like you believe that you're the one person on this whole earth that got it figured out. Like you got this. And even if you don't you have the audacity to live this day anyway. Somehow you're going to keep on living without any freaking clue what you're doing here or how to do it. Bravo my friend. That is courage. And you find a way to do it every damn day. Bravo.

Maybe...

Think of something you want for yourself, some experience or circumstance in this life that now seems so distant and unimaginable that it feels impossible. Envision it as real as you can make it, and happier than you dared to imagine it before and consider saying "maybe." It starts with "Maybe." "Maybe" is your unlocked door. 

So often we shame ourselves for not having the doors of the heart flung open. We don't allow ourselves all the tiny in betweens of readiness.

"Maybe" undoes the deadbolt. The heart becomes a bit more ready to hold more joy than you thought possible, and one day, still more than that. I wish endless, and as yet, unimaginable joys to each of us, as we are ready and willing to receive them. May they come gently and over the course of time, so that our hearts may slowly grow in capacity to receive and fully enjoy it all.

Today, my prayer: May all of your "not possibles" ease-fully soften into "maybes." Rest there for a moment. Breathe into the stretch to create the space within to allow just slightly more joy than our minds can conceive of and our hearts can hold. Let us be expanded slowly, gently, in a widening and deepening joy that makes us larger and more expansive, slowly, in time.