i hope you feel my love..

The kindest decision I ever made for myself was to stop keeping track of all I had lost. The choice was made mostly for the efficacy of the matter. I mean, who had the time and the commitment, and how exactly does one measure the lack, the empty spaces, that imprint in that heart and demonstrate in the world as the space between a reaching hand and an unreachable thing? And the cruelest choice I keep making is to lose track of all of the love I have in my life and all the kindness offered to me endlessly. I guess this is whatever amounts to the winnings in life? And I could say it is not accounted for, or kept track of due to the same strain of laziness that lets the other end fall to the wayside, but the truth is, i have no idea how to say thank you. I have neither the measuring tool to account for the love and kindness, nor the language of gratitude for properly meeting it, nor true understanding of why it should be offered to me, personally. And therein lies the confusion-- It is not personal. None of this is personal! If I can clarify anything for you beautiful soul of mine, within, and without of me, it is that none of this is personal. We are bits of ourselves, loving ourselves in the form of others. Let it be as personal as that. So let you thank you and let you forgive you, and let the accountants only mind the accounts. Your precious heart was not made for accounting. Only for finding and growing in and out of itself and loving onward, forever and ever. Amen.
And if it matters at all to you, my precious capitalist friend, I have the suspicion, if we had kept track, we would be immensely ahead in our winnings. Because I know confidently that in the end, we will rest comfortably and assuredly in loving arms.