As many of you know, I've lost 70+ lbs in about 7 months. When asked how I did it, I could simply say that I used this fabulous free website, www.sparkpeople.com , and that would be true but not the whole truth. Weight loss is about more than counting calories, and working out consistently, it is about having the courage to feel. Feel the emotions you've actively avoided with food and feel the dimensions of your body as it is. And it takes faith, faith that a change is happening that may still remain unseen, faith that this seemingly impossible vision can be a possibility for you.
The thing about weight loss is that losing weight isn't enough to keep you at it. Frequently there are stretches of time during which no weight is lost, so what kept me there? I fell in love with the energy of activity. I fell in love with the movement, with the internal stirring of life that comes from exercise, and the feeling of self love which comes from doing the thing that is good for you, and the pride and sense of accomplishment that comes from doing a difficult thing, and most wonderful, the freedom and openness that comes from doing the thing you thought wasn't meant for you, that was impossible for you to do.
But friend, there are days when none of that is enough, I call them eatin' days. These are days when these wonderful feelings, even all the weight I lost is simply not what I want. Some days I need to rest in the quiet comfortable place of old patterns.. and I overeat to the point of pain, like the old days. And sister, brother, it is good! It is good to allow that slack. A friend and teacher once said, the God of Compassion is a God of Slack. I want to be a God of compassion for myself. And I allow myself the old choice, but this time I feel it differently. I experience the crazy feeling of eating until you are in pain and all the enjoyment is lost, I experience the feeling of sleepiness and not wanting to move, and the shame of a food addiction, and the highs when food is brought to the table and the lows when the food is gone, and the moment is gone and I've done it again. But glory to the old choice. Because immediately, I remember what made me make a different choice. I feel the old feelings, I remember that the pain of overeating was my reality, and I get re-affirmed in the choice to not have that be my reality again, but maybe only a passing reminder of how far I have come.
I frequently have eatin' days when the reality of my success becomes clear. When I started this process, I weighed 237 lbs, and I set a goal of 160 lbs. As of yesterday I weighed 161 lbs, and shortly after stepping off the scale I felt the fear of success and yesterday became an eatin' day. I cannot describe to you the fear that comes when your vision becomes reality, when the feeling of your body is different from the body you have known most of your life, when your concept of yourself meets fewer limits and more becomes possible to you than you allowed to be possible before. I got scared because the walls which felt like my shelter from the world fell away, and all I had was open air and space to grow, and I needed to feel the walls again. I needed to know myself in an old way again. I needed the old comfort of a familiar thing, even if it hurt. And I ate until it hurt yesterday, to hold back the reality that I could be anything I want to be and life can be more than I have know.
It is a process, mixed with resistance and excitement and fear of failure and success. It is a negotiation of feeling and unwillingness to feel. And it is good. It is not about being perfect, being the model of wellness. I do not get it "right" all the time. And no one needs to. First, it is just about being conscious that you have a choice and you are making one, and seeing if you can be compassionate with your choice, no matter what you choose to do. See if you can see what the choice feels like, what are you feeling as you play out that choice. If it doesn't feel good, consider that there is a different choice, and that is where www.sparkpeople.com comes in. You need information and support. Check it out. Just learn what is also an option. And just keep making your choices, meal by meal, day by day. And allow the old choice with compassion if you are able. This process involves a lot of fear, and sometimes you just need the old security blanket, and it is ok. You are still lovable.
You don't have to get it perfect to lose weight, you just have to make the new choice more often than the old one. More frequently than you have made it before. And see if you can enjoy the process. See if you can feel your energy changing. Your energy feels different almost immediately, it's the new energy that shapes the body. Notice it. Notice if you feel different to yourself. And allow the fear that comes, it's ok, and allow the excitement that comes, it is wonderful. And slowly, the body changes. And you see muscles and bones you've never seen before, and your clothes start to sag around your hips, and you live in between for a time, you live between a past and future experience of your body, not fully landing anywhere, just moving through. Just keep riding the new energy you make with the new choice, with the exercise, with the food choices. Focus on your experience in the moment, and have compassion.
On exercise:
- The wonderful thing about it is that at best, it is exciting and energizing and you feel your energy changing in the moment, at worst, it is only horrible for as long as it lasts. The rest of the day will feel so good, physically and spiritually and emotionally. Set little goals and take great pride in them.
-No extremes, don't be a one hour warrior who wears herself out so much that she cannot/ will not work out again for a week. Try 5 min first. It is a success.
-See if you can really feel what you are feeling through the work out. Go into the discomfort of it, instead of pushing it aside and zoning out, or zone out.. it's all ok.
-The hardest part is starting, just stepping onto the treadmill is a success.
Yesterday I came too close to success and I needed to stop, so I stopped. I needed a break, and I took a break. And today I get to make a choice. Every day I get to make a choice anew. And I get to love myself through it, whatever I choose. I get to love myself anyway. Whatever my body looks like, whatever experience I have, I am lovable.
I was afraid of losing myself with the weight. I was afraid of loss. I can tell you, I did not lose any part of me. I became clearer. The ME of me became less muddled and bulky. I am here. Clearer and more defined. I am not lost. I am here and I have more energy and more willingness and less fear of life. I know the weight was a barrier to life, I was afraid of the world, and I felt that I needed a buffer. When I committed to making boundaries, expressing my needs and my limits and honoring them, I felt safer to let my physical boundary go. I showed up as an adult for myself, with more willingness to be clear about my needs and more willingness to feel knowing that feelings are just feelings and cannot hurt. The point is, we need to feel safe in the world, and anything we can do to support ourselves in feeling safe will help us to let go of our physical guard of excess weight. It is safe to feel and you have the right to boundaries, speak up, and tell people when things aren't ok, you will still be loved if you do.
The process of losing weight happens long before the first pound is lost. It is a negotiation with trust in yourself and in the world. Be gentle with yourself. It can be done and the reality of that statement is a scary and wonderful thing. Have courage and have faith in yourself and your process and have compassion and self love. You are lovable no matter what.
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