Wednesday, November 23, 2011

On Receiving & Gratitude, and the avoidance of feeling both


Reader, it has been a while. Perhaps because I am not one who forces herself to do a thing that is not ripened and ready to be done, or perhaps because my gift for avoidance outweighed my gift for expression. I intend to reach you monthly, if not more frequently. With that said, I want to tell you, Happy Thanksgiving.  You’ll notice that Thanksgiving inspired my title for this post, and it seems to be a favored thought in my mind lately.  It is a lovely idea for a holiday.  It seems so rich with meaning and such a guide post in the right direction, just a clear moment of refocusing our lives. It is hopeful really.  It is hopeful that we as a society got together and agreed on something good for ourselves, at least in idea, the practice of Thanksgiving we know is a little less healthful.  It starts well intended enough, sometimes with opening prayers of gratitude or just a clear focus on the present moment and on feeling abundance, but then, the food is passed and each dish feels like a challenge, and the overindulgent and frequently painful eating binge follows. I can’t help but feel that the overindulgence and the extremeness of receiving food into our bodies is just a way to avoid the feel of receiving at all, and ultimately a way to avoid feeling grateful for the abundance.  Consider, were you ever grateful for the food on the table once your belly swelled snuggly against your waistband and you felt distinctly uncomfortable?   What I am saying is, I think we may be uncomfortable, as a culture, with both receiving and feeling grateful and I think we have adapted to avoid the feeling of both.  And if that rings true, then I think it is important to just be aware of that.
                I think it is true for myself. I have had a long negotiation with receiving, and even the idea of receiving anything brings up fears about expectations, motivations, and intentions of the giver. Or even the idea of, if I have this, who won’t have it- the starving child in Africa scenario, in which I feel constantly guilty for everything I am offered, because it is not offered equally to every member of the world. And I just want to say clearly, to myself, and you reader, your piece of pecan pie, if placed in more desperate hands, would not fix the broken system that made them desperate. Sure there are things that can be done to help others, and there will be time enough to do them, if you chose, but your guilt over enjoying anything is more about you than the starving people of the world, it is just another way to avoid the feeling of enjoyment, and another expression of the learned perception of not being worthy enough to partake of the literal and metaphorical feast.
                This Thanksgiving, I am setting the intention to really give it to myself, and let myself have it. Anything on my plate, I am worth of having. It is mine, and I am deserving of it.  And I can enjoy it! I am free to just enjoy it.  I don’t need to clear the serving plate, I don’t need to worry about the leftovers and what will happen to them.  No, I don’t have to.  I am free to just enjoy what is in front of me. I am free to eat until I am satiated, until I have had exactly enough, and I can leave the rest, and let it go. Maybe it will go to waste, maybe not. But I will have enjoyed this meal and this moment. And I will end the meal with the intention of gratitude I set at its beginning.  I don’t have to feel uncomfortable and groan and regret. I can enjoy. I am free to enjoy. I am worthy of enjoyment. I am worthy. And you are too. Happy Thanksgiving. I send love and hope every fork-full is a blessing.

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